I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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