i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
