...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize