My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
