wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize