someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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