thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
