Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
