I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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