If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
