im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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