This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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