woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I cut my penus on the lid.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
