last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
