The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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