he wants to bone in the snuggie
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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