Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
