my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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