Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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