Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
