if only i could text you this smell
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
