Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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