I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
