i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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