how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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