i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
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