Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
