Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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