I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize