My liver just broke up with me...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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