i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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