i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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