How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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