I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
