someone get that fucking seahorse.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
birth control should be required to get into college
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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