Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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