Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
