i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
