Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
