Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
