I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
