i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
