Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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