i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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