note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
