She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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