do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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