so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
