Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize