I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
