I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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