I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
