I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
