i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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