I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
