she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
