You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
