What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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