You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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