My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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