The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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