My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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