the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
