What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
