The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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