i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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