if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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