apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
